Client Files: “I deserve this pain …”

I had a client, while in hypnosis, say that she does not deserve to be happy. Her quote, “I deserve this pain”. I was very surprised, as this client, lets call her Chloe (not her real name), seemed to be making a lot of positive progress in realizing she is a lovable person.

“Why is that,” I asked her Unconscious mind.

“I’ve done a lot of horrible things,” she replied.

“Oh, I see,” I replied, “Lets look back on your life: When you were a kid, your father threatened to kill himself in front of you if your mother tried to divorce him. He abused you, physically, mentally and emotionally. He put you into an institution so he could go on a vacation. You were in 4th grade! All of the horrible things you did, you were trained to do, by your father. Does this feel accurate? Does this feel true?” I was summarizing what she had already said, in previous sessions, but I know enough about people to know that they are much more complicated than I can see. It’s always a good idea to make sure I’m on the right track.

She nodded.

“The ‘horrible’ things you did, were you trying to hurt anyone? Were you trying to ruin your life?”

“No,” she replied, beginning to cry.

“Why did you do them, then?”

“Because I … I … needed to stop feeling. I took drugs because I just didn’t want to feel anymore. Or, to feel something else.”

“Why did you cheat on your husband,” I asked.

“Because I needed to feel … I know that sounds weird, that I needed to not feel, and to feel.”

“No,” I replied, “You’re making perfect sense to me. You had to stop feeling, to protect yourself, Chloe. Then, because you are human, you felt a huge void in your life: Feelings.” I paused. Tears slid down her face. “Chloe, through the power of hypnosis, imagine that time when your father was holding that gun, yelling at your mother. Holding you by the wrist. Look at her. She is so small. You have a child, right? Do you remember when they were that small? Could you look them in the eye and tell them they deserve your level of pain? Can you look at that little child you were and tell her that?”

“No …” she sobbed.

“Look at that little girl you used to be. If she were your child, could you love her?”

“Oh, yes …” she said, “Of course.”

“She is you, Chloe,” I said, simply. “Do you understand? Nothing you have ever done is going to change the fact, that in your core, you have never, EVER, been anything but that beautiful, wonderful little girl that just wanted love. Everything you have done is because you were protecting that child. You may have made a lot of mistakes, that for sure, but the focus was the same: Protect her. Let her live. Let her, find some joy … some small level of peace.”

It was quiet for a while. Chloe continued to cry softly.

“Do you feel like you deserve all of this pain,” I asked her Unconscious again.

The silence echoed in my office. A powerful moment was building.

Slowly, she began to talk. “No …” she whispered.

“No,” I repeated. “Beautiful …”

As always, dear reader, I wish you peace, joy and fulfillment, because you deserve it. You really do.

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